A major (I mean: MAJOR) cause for conflict in our relationships (family, community, ourselves) is a lack of -what in the Mindfulness world is called- experiential ownership.
I'll explain this term a bit more. Unless someone collides with you or physically touches you, no-one can make you "feel" anything BUT you. We are and always will be the FIRST recipients of our thoughts and emotions, good and bad. Strong negative thoughts and emotions lead to strong negative sensations in our bodies (tight chest; stiff neck, knot in your stomach, shaky voice, headache; you mention it). No-one has "done" that to you, though. You did so, via your thoughts and emotions. We generally don't like those feelings in our bodies; we want to "avoid" them. An easy way to "do" avoidance is to blame someone else. At least it feels better and we avoid our own pain somewhat.
Experiential ownership asks, however, that we "own" those feelings; we have brought them onto ourselves by the way we think and feel about a situation. They are OUR sensations. If we point fingers at someone else for the way we feel ("you made me feel bad") we pretend someone else has caused those bodily sensations and feelings. This is just not possible. We caused them. No-one else.
Being able to "own" your own feelings and emotions can make you more compassionate. Once you realise that you are in control of how you feel, you will feel less of a need to point fingers at someone else for "hurting you". It just doesn't make sense from a Mindfulness perspective. Conversely, if someone else is triggered by what YOU said or did, and THEY react from avoidance, you can then be more compassionate with that other person. Others are ALSO the first recipients of whatever sensations occur in their bodies. They are as much victims of their own "stuff" as you are of yours! That allows you to cut them some slack.
I know it might look easier than it is, but really, it is fairly easy. Compassion is a learned skill. In Mindfulness, we call it "Loving Kindness", and it allows you to take yourself, other people and the world in general a little bit less seriously; to treat everything and everyone more kindly.
If we can work on our skills of experiential ownership and compassion, your world will become a better place. You can trust me on that one. And that is a great place to start the new year off with!
Marc is a qualified Counsellor, Life/Business Coach, Master NLP Practitioner and AusIDentities Personalities Facilitator on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia.
Marc inspires his clients to create "Knowareness", a powerful state of presence that allows clients to make the right decisions at the right time, all the time.
A litigation lawyer for nearly a decade in his "previous life" before immigrating to Australia from The Netherlands, Marc knows exactly how daunting taking the first step in a new direction can be.
Email Marc at marc@landmarc.com.au to arrange an introductory 30 minute face-to-face or phone mentoring session!
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